I was angry. I get angry a lot. Things annoy me and get under my skin on a regular basis. It's a particular annoyance when something happens in one of the creative fields I have my eye on. No, I'm not going to go off on one about the misogyny in comics again, although it's something that could currently be talked about endlessly.
No, this rant was centred on something a lot closer to me. I saw something in a magazine that incensed me and almost had me writing a bitter-sounding screed about the nature of networking, money and talent* in the comics industry. I know they don't sound like very interesting topics, but the combination is, and in the most horrible way. It would have been accusatory and finger-pointy and very probably foamy-mouthed as a tirade.
And that was what stopped me. Whether I'm right or wrong in my assessment of what I see as people not worth the time getting success doesn't entirely matter. Every mediocre drop of shit they drop into the creative community is going to make me wince like an abused kid when his father reaches for his belt, but there's a problem when you point it out: you look bitter and jealous. Jealousy can be healthy in small amounts, it can be another of those initially negative things that turns positive, but no one really wants anything to do with bitterness. Ya just don't make friends when your mouth is curled into a sneer because shit hasn't gone your way.
I would, and still do, see my anger as justified and clean, shining an incandescent light on the corruption and hypocrisy I see in my midst.
"Can't you be happy for someone's success?" you would be justified in asking. I can, but not when it's at my expense and at the expense of people more talented than me.
You see? It sounds like a shrivelled old complainer, pointing his worn walking stick at something he doesn't like and peeling back his cracked lips to spit out some bilious comment. I'm not that guy. I want to show the injustices of 'I'll-buy-you-a-drink' job-getting, and I know it goes on, I've heard too many stories from first hand sources to assure me of that, but doing so taints me, too. Pointing it out marks me out as some kind of malcontent, but I suppose I'm not content with the way these transactions go. Unfortunately it's a reality of the world I've thrown my lot in with and I don't have the clout to change it.
My lack of prowess when it comes to networking is legendary. I say, "Hello," and then watch as someone else smooths their way in. Confidence is, and always has been, my biggest downfall. I lack it and I also have a deficiency of the bullshitting gland that might help me acquire work. Bullshitting seems to be a large part of the whole process. As is money, which I also have a huge lack of. With money I could at least travel around and practice my ineptitude. Wow, there's a line that's going to get me a tidal wave of job offers.
If only sarcasm was a marketable skill.
Snarling and bellowing about the situation isn't going to change anything and it only marks me out as some kind of whiner not content with his lot. Maybe I am a whiner. I'm certainly not happy with where I am in my writing career**. Do you think shouting and (metaphorically) kicking furniture over is my way of disguising the snivelling whinger I really am?
I didn't want to rant here and I don't think I did. I did, I think, turn a bit passive-aggressive, which I apologise for. Most of you want to see that about as much as you want to see my wang. I do think it's something I need to air once in while, even if it does depress the living shit out of you. I wasn't talking about my wang, there, but if you feel the need to read it that way, go right ahead.
This blog post is dedicated to Ben Eads and Ted Brandt who are getting along merrily on their actual talent and I say congratulations in their recent successes. It's nice to see people – friends – doing well who aren't anything like the type of dickhead I describe above. Trying to inject positivity in here, I feel it needs it, don't you?
So next week I'll either have something hilariously angry or you'll get complete silence. We'll see how my mood is.
* Or lack thereof, in some cases.
** That is to say pretty much nowhere. I'm just full of cheer today.
Will
No comments:
Post a Comment